some of my favorite phrases
One damp silvery afternoon
As if he'd been waiting for her for some time
Turned softly pink
Suffering manfully
Thought for a moment then said morosely
It was odd and somehow flattering
Ate miserably
He did not smell of anything, yet nor was he perfectly clean
Medium in all ways
Bored, but unafraid
Bad news is part of being alive, but most news is neither good nor bad
Surprised and deflated
Bereft and nonplussed
Everything was so bizarre
He looked like a sunny creature from a birthday card
Agitated dance
Grey gaze
Pleased and also alarmed
Waifish children
Garrulous girls
Creamy summer evenings
Roamed the hills
The hot air tasted like medicine
Trees were friendly to her
Her hat threatening to depart
They shouted into canyons
Her eyes filled with silly tears
Cloistered and monochrome
It was the smile of a jellyfish. It got her nowhere, and she didn’t care
The air whumping under it
Staring coolly at her
The sun was almost stunning
Feeling choked
A life of glossiness
Where have you come from?
Narrow shade leaned away from his back
Like trying to coax a deer indoors
The queer creature
Anxious silence
Strange shimmer
His soaring delight fluttered around him and chilled her to the core
This shapeless need
Staring moonily
The syrupy orange sunlight pooled in her palms and poured out between her fingers
Dumb shock
Arms lank
Dived frantically into herself
The tiny gold body
Flimsy
A depthless crevasse
This ruined world
Crisp lawn
Dreamtime creature
Afternoons balmy and long
Convivial silence
Swallowing their greed
Restive emptiness
The purple beach
Occasionally an ink splash in the distance would resolve itself into a sea- going bird
powering towards the horizon, and maddy would shout with pleasure as it passed over
* Floating nowhere, in the centre of nothing *
undeterred
Warbling tunelessly
Undulated
Helpless as a kitten on a chain
Fizzed with nervousness
Clean and powdery
There weren't many trees, and they stood apart like strangers
Sulkily cool
A pallor of strange deadness
Unplaceable
Felt prickly
Warm with shyness, the air closing around them was thin
The imbalance between them was painful
His silver eyes lifted
Relentlessly scanning
The conversation was suffused with a poignancy they pretended didn't exist
He shrugged sweetly
Eternal peace was an awe-inspiring thing, but was also frightening and stultifying
Turning over matters in her mind
A bruise in the background of the rest of her life. Strangely she wanted it to be this way
She had lost, but loss has its own quality and promise
Everything had been so futile and disappointing
It was eerie and enchanting
The mellow shuffle of time softened her, so she became talkative and genial
Marooned by peace
He wore a cautious, amused expression, as if he knew exactly what she was thinking
She’d seen dying that came quietly as a moth into the room, on soft dun fluttery wings
The dull slumberness oozing past
On her face were the remnants of a smile
She looked at the ceiling, and around at the room. She saw nothing ordinary, but only things
startling and incredible. Everything was different after all.
I don’t need your protection anymore. Do as you must,
but do so with care. Remember i am here
but do so with care. Remember i am here
On matilda
In truth, more a searcher than a sailor
It was impossible to decide if the photograph was a picture of a sailing boat,
or the portrait of a girl
or the portrait of a girl
In the shallow wrinkles of her skin were whispers of the girl she had been
She lived a rather lonesome life, but was never filled with pity for herself
An overlookable child
She was easily hurt, deceived and dispirited
She wasn't necessary
A worried child
She did not know the complex magic that turns an acquaintance into a
friend, so no one was
her particular confederate
friend, so no one was
her particular confederate
She had felt a lake-like emptiness, the stillness of a held breath
She had a perfect right to exist, but she seemed not-quite-right for this
world
world
She still bitterly felt her own awkwardness
She came to understood that she stood apart, and it made her feel
important and unwantedly sad
important and unwantedly sad
She cultivated grown up likes and dislikes: she knew how she wanted
to dress, eat, when
she’d eaten enough. She had her own convictions, and the pluck to
almost always defend them.
to dress, eat, when
she’d eaten enough. She had her own convictions, and the pluck to
almost always defend them.
She felt shipwrecked
Those days on the beach had been some of the sweetest of her life
He watched, and watched him watching them
She was ruining everything
Every well finished chore she did made her feel more like theirs was a world
that could last
that could last
She had no time for anything that wasn’t necessary or real
She kept herself alive, like a living puppet
She knew she’d never sleep beside him again
She lived like a fairytale princess who’d been cursed.
Everything was motionless, a river that’s stopped flowing
Everything was motionless, a river that’s stopped flowing
Her mind was bruised
She tried to keep her thoughts very blank, so she wouldn’t race ahead of
him or turn a wrong corner in her mind
him or turn a wrong corner in her mind
She tried to think about nothing, and days when her mind couldn't help
but think, she thought about what might happen
but think, she thought about what might happen
Fear jabbed her like a rusty nail
Like a toddler in church, it couldn’t stay quiet. It began to hunt for a way out
She walked through the forest with her eyes on the ground, as if she might
find something she’d
dropped without realizing something that would explain.
find something she’d
dropped without realizing something that would explain.
She felt stronger and kinder, keeping her plans unexplained
The sorrows that had bleached her life returned spilling like chilled water
down her spine
down her spine
She wore a white dress, learned to roll cigarettes, went whole nights
without sleeping, slept on a cot
without sleeping, slept on a cot
Though she’d tried to do otherwise, she had never been able to stop
cluttering her present with her past
cluttering her present with her past
On feather
She liked all these things about him
Loving him made her feel merry and wishfully sad
She had never seen so much of a man, and she didn’t know where to look
He stood in silence and considered her
A corner of her mind was already noticing his peculiarities
There was something impossible, unexpectable about him.
His silence made him the smartest and most mysterious person she’d ever known
His image a bright gem in her mind
She hated herself for hoping he would be there, hated him for not being there
The glimpse of him on the shore was like the taste of honey
His grey gaze left her face and travelled across the sand and up into the hills
He left nothing behind, except everything
In the moonlight he looked more beautiful than ever
She watched him become smaller and smaller, tinier than a grain of sand, tinier
than the tiniest speck of dust that might catch in the eye of the most miniature creature ever known
than the tiniest speck of dust that might catch in the eye of the most miniature creature ever known
It was hard to picture his face now, and impossible to hear his voice
I’m glad I know somebody who’d choose honesty over everything
On Maddy and Feather
Have you missed me? Yes, he said, but not much
He had never said the word love, as if it were something too heavy to pick up
It seemed to maddy that no two people had been happier
Maddy herself was very pleased “I’m happy that you are” “If it will make you happy”
“Isn't it how things are meant to be?” “This is how things are meant to be”
But inside himself, he saw something to which she was blind. He looked at it more devout
than he ever looked at her. Wandering aimlessly from tree to tree, she realized he would
never tell her what he saw. He would always be looking elsewhere
than he ever looked at her. Wandering aimlessly from tree to tree, she realized he would
never tell her what he saw. He would always be looking elsewhere
“You don’t think I love you, but I do”
She longed for him to be happy, to be hers. She saw the chain around his ankle, a length
of links that let him wander, but not far. She did not see the chain around her own angle,
because love is blind.
of links that let him wander, but not far. She did not see the chain around her own angle,
because love is blind.
“I’m sorry for your loss” “None of this is what I wanted. None of it is the way it should be”
They talked to each other, but never about important things
“I stayed because I wanted to. How else could I have shown that I loved you? But You
can’t come with me
can’t come with me
She had always loved him more than he’d loved her. His love was mediocre
It was dismal talking to this being that looked like feather, and spoke like him,
but was an echo of the feather she had loved
but was an echo of the feather she had loved
He was gone, the only place he lived now was in the past. She resented him
for spoiling her memories of the old Feather
for spoiling her memories of the old Feather
On matilda's mother
With fluty lightness
She seemed to teeter forever on the cumbly threshold of fury
As if her daughter were the most disappointing, most disagreeable, most time
wasting creature in the world
wasting creature in the world
Maddy loved to contemplate her
Blazing and reposeful, chilling and torrid
It was hard to know what to say to somebody like that
Why are you like this mama? Why is love worth so little to you
On the sea
Playful sea
The ocean looping
The waves rolled their foamy knuckles into the sand and left behind a scum of whey-grey bubbles
She saw the ocean romp up to him and sweep around his knees
The waves licking his hands
It’s blueness was a threat and a promise
Turgid turning of the waves
Choppy sloshing over the pitted rocks and fetching up sticks like a dog
The ceaseless sigh of the tide
Smeared blue
The water chipped and chopped and yawned
The ocean was thrilled
The ocean boiled
The thick night sky and the thicker blackness of the sea below it
On being in love
She had the singular sensation of being suspended on strings
the debris tumbled from her mind to leave her whole world clear
Vulnerability is what love is
She knew nothing for certain about love, about the words love liked to use
The world changes when something in it is loved. Every moment vibrates with
possible importance.
The heart that loves wonders how it lived, in the past, without loving- and how
it will live now, now that it loves
possible importance.
The heart that loves wonders how it lived, in the past, without loving- and how
it will live now, now that it loves
She thought about him ceaselessly, could not chase him from her mind
Was he lying awake in the dark thinking about her? What if he was? What if he wasn’t?
She knew then that she would certainly die without him
On heartbreak
Her heart descended to her knees
The excitement in her heart congealed to a pool of bitterness
The truth is a memory is hardly ever good enough to console a heart
Why would i make them stay? When they want to go?
Every day you have to renegotiate a way to survive the hours between waking up and falling asleep
She opened her mouth and yelled for him, and half expected him to appear, because she
wanted it so much
wanted it so much
Part of me never stops remembering you
How can you know love, and lose it, and go on living without it, and not feel the loss forever?
You can't. You feel the loss forever. But you put it in a safe corner of yourself, and bit by bit
some of your sorrow changes into joy. That's how you go on living.
some of your sorrow changes into joy. That's how you go on living.
And you take pride in knowing that you’re capable of great love, and live in the knowledge
that you can feel it again.
that you can feel it again.
And you will
On beauty
There were so many beautiful things in the world- in the dining room alone
there were dozens
there were dozens
She was filled to the brim with beauty, and it was heavy as lead
Perhaps you are meant to be alone. Your father says you are beautiful. Most beautiful
things are alone, in one way or another
things are alone, in one way or another
Feather could leave the weeds to thrive, but then the garden might be ugly,
not beautiful…..”I’ll help you”
not beautiful…..”I’ll help you”
She had her own beautiful thing now, something she’d cornered and trapped
You can’t put faith in anything. Everything dies. The prettiest things are the first to decay.
You’re a fool if you think otherwise.
You’re a fool if you think otherwise.
On being old
Isn’t it terrible being old? Doesn’t it make you angry?
I’m something else- something just as good, or better
Everything that’s young is troubled by what is old. It is strange, that oldness is so hard to love or forgive
Being old is sometimes painful, but it isn't horrible.
Time passed quietly at first, then it began to liquefy. Life lasts a long time, but it goes by in a blink
A life at its end is a pile of cloth and paper, and goods that can be bagged and labelled.
None of the best things are allowed to stay behind
None of the best things are allowed to stay behind
On longing
He would desperately need me, but want me to be free
Such a man does not exist. Nobody's perfect. You are not.
Feather isn’t yours. And you are less important than this thing
Everything would be blissful, if only he could forget who he was
A small voice inside her said come back! Come back! Come back!
You remind me of me. You don't want peace or sameness. You know that life is for going,
not stopping. But when life goes, it goes fast maddy: so be careful. Don't waste your time
wanting what you cant have
not stopping. But when life goes, it goes fast maddy: so be careful. Don't waste your time
wanting what you cant have
It was never a love that made us want to stop searching for love
Life is not a story and things don’t always turn out how you’d prefer
She knew that part of her must have always been waiting for him- waiting forever, for years
On Girlhood
Girlhood is for smiling. Just smile, smile, smile!
She had discovered she could be callous and stupid. The discovery of these faults combined
with the loss of her toy felt like a mortal wound
with the loss of her toy felt like a mortal wound
She tried to make herself shiny in his mind
On boyhood
He was nearing the age when it was embarrassing to admit you can be happy
But there was still enough childhood in him
Boyhood still played around him
On home
It is always a peculiar feeling to be home after a long time away
The house she’d always lived in, the town where she’d been born- didn't feel like
things she knew and loved
things she knew and loved
Objects remind people of their lives, I suppose. So many things change with time,
so much disappears. It’s good to see something that was there, in the past, and
hasn’t changed since. That looks and feels exactly as it did on the day it became important.
so much disappears. It’s good to see something that was there, in the past, and
hasn’t changed since. That looks and feels exactly as it did on the day it became important.
Her room and its untold souvenirs like a memorial, a bell jar. Everything she owned
spoke of what had been - never about what might have been, or what may yet be
spoke of what had been - never about what might have been, or what may yet be
They spoke a lot about the house, and never about the people in it
Now somebody she didn't know would pack her treasures into plastic bags and carry them away.
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