australia, a list of memories

working through writing from australia in december. here are some things. trying to develop tone in terms of prose. i might include elements of memory and past stories i have told in my final narrative (fmp). maybe paired with visual imagery or moving image i have

we go to northbridge and get bored quickly and i suggest the beach because its gonna rain. it's overcast so the ocean in
fremantle is a dirty green color. me and luke only wade in far enough so that the waters up to our tummies but max
swims far out. luke is teasing about how there were sharks seen just here last week and after we sit on the rocks awhile max
goes to get his smokes and make small talk. i eat up every moment of the ride home.

running errands with max in toms big truck in the city. he drives me all the way to freo to meet my mom and her sister in law
and we have the most honest conversation we've had all month. i arrive and see my mom and am immediately angry about
being here. we go play in the playground and swinging on the swings it's only been twenty minutes but
i call my dad to pick me up . outside i'm spinning round trees thinking about how dumb the logo is in this stupid vegan cafe.
my feet are in the gutter and im sitting, waiting for him kicking about these purple flowers beneath me. in the car aurora gets
pissed cus i interrupt her story about the crazy guy who owns the cafe, saskia insists on taking the bus home
because i say i need to go to the beach to cry and when we get there its so stunning and blue and the sand is
being blown around, prickly all over me. on the way home we catch up with saskias bus and wave at her from the car window
and everything is perfect!!!!!!!

23rd of december we go for sushi in this empty place in como. afterwards we buy this big swan for nenek that she clearly dislikes
when she sees it on christmas.  we go see tommy in the hospital and the whole place looks like something out of a cult.

christmas day biking around in the dark with max and im trying hard not to lose him. on the way back he says something vague
and suggestive about luke and i wonder why im so scared of embarressing myself, biting words on the tip of my tongue.
round the corner from home one car floods us with white light like a ufo, and for a second i feel scared.
we bike hard the rest of the way home.

im running errands again with max, we go get his ex girlfriends phone from the beach. im wearing jeans and my wooden clogs.
we maybe go freo and he strangely shows me lukes old house and  then we get mcdonalds on the way back and sit in the parked
car eating it.

my mom dropping me to mandurah station and the air in the car is so stagnant with regret and disconnect and both of us
are so useless to stop it

saskias gig and no ones there except us and some girls and this chic who's dancing so so bad. my dad drops us to the city
and after a while we give up at doing anything and get pop and walk home from the city. south of the river is so black i feel
like im walking through space. we pass this old house that max says its different from all the others on this street, and that
someone he knew once lived there but now no one comes in or out. walking through the suburbs to karls house and i
dont know what i'm doing here. we're at karls and jcal comes home and rants about suing someone for like twenty
minutes and its the best thing thats happened all day. I desperately will the opposite, and yet I feel as if i’m always saying
the most obvious, unremarkable things to fill silence.

new years day and i can't stop crying. i gave luke that letter and i sat in the car and felt so so good. then we get to

neneks and eat this dahl with caroline and all cry at the table and im sitting on the sofa crying all day and we get
in the car to go to mom's moms' for pizza and i'm still crying the whole way there. back at neneks i bawl my eyes out
for forever until we watch my fair lady and sleep and the next morning my eyes are so puffy i can barely see. in the end
its all tactical because i literally could not cry if i tried on the way back to london. i feel fine

the last day and max takes us out for fish and chips. afterwards its 3 and at home me and caroline drink leftover
prosecco from christmas. we have pre-dinner at with my moms family. i'm gunna miss how charismatic they make
me feel

in the car w my dad. wanting desperately for him to fill the marked silence with some kind of aimless blither, but so resolute in my not participating in this moment that i refuse to ask. until i do. and then it's good

its our last night and the sky is orange and blue and me and caroline and my dad run around the oval and watch
tv and finish packing and i realise i haven't once swum in the pool at night.  my bathers are already packed but just
before we leave i put on this little pink dress i wont be needing in london and turn the pool lights on and dive in and
lie on my back for a second. then i get out and strip off outside and put on something and get in the car and wave goodbye